34. Notes - profound and complicated / no secrets

14 January 2019

       Mid-afternoon. You lunched at Potbelly's and are having a birthday supper at the House of Japan near Polaris Shopping at Owen's request. You received a quick note from Laney after you sent her a note "to have the best of good weeks". She replied that the new semester (Xavier) begins today - for Laney, new classes; thus, your comment is quite appropriate. You immediately wonder, "Is Laney in my heart or soul or mind? Or, does each see her differently or all the same?

       1546 hours. Indeed, my immediate thinking. I really have no way to 'measure' friendship and that is not my intent here. What I am curious about is the response of each to her being in a friendship with me to her and her to me. 

       You want to erase the "and her to me" because this can only be known by Laney. - Amorella

       1551 hours. It was a slip of thought. We feel we have a 'connection' -- I'm sure all friends feel this way about other close friends. This commentary is becoming rather awkward because I did not think it out beforehand.

       That is the reason I'm allowing it -- your immediate response was in the captured 'innocence of the moment'. - Amorella

       1558 hours. This makes me anxious because I really don't want to know what my heart and soul and mind think about the wholeness of Laney's spirit, her own heart and soul and mind. It suddenly doesn't seem morally right to know such intimacy within myself. 

       Why? - Amorella

       1601 hours. People cannot have a conscious dialogue with the intimate workings of one's heart and soul; mind, perhaps but not heart and soul.

       This is not true, boy. You knew your heart when you asked Carol to marry you. - Amorella

       1605 hours. Why do you bring up such a matter? That's different. That conversation was indirect. I answered by how I thought my heart felt, but I could not 'know' this directly. I tried to attack the question reasonably as well as emotionally. Being in love with someone does not automatically make her compatible for a lifetime partnership. 

       A long-term friendship with a member of the opposite sex does not have a legal binding, i.e. you are thinking practically with your mind. In your case you have known Laney twenty-five years; that is you have been conscious of her for twenty-five years. - Amorella

       1630 hours. Early on, we made a pledge to be friends-opposite-sex of-the-even though we were both married. We both feel it is possible. 

       Is it possible? - Amorella

       1633 hours. It has been possible for twenty-five years. 

       Yes, it has. - Amorella

       1634 hours. You know more than I, Amorella. 

       Human beings are sometimes more innocent than they think they are. - Amorella

       1636 hours. In context your comment is a profound and complicated statement.  

       We will resume this later. Post. - Amorella

       1942 hours. We had a good birthday supper. Carol is finishing a shower. I don't think I'll have time to add anything tonight. We'll no doubt relax and watch a couple of DVRed shows besides tonight's news. 

       You are apprehensive about continuing. You are rationalizing that it is improper and perhaps immoral to know what secrets your heart and soul and mind might have. - Amorella

       1949 hours. This bothers me because I think this might be how it plays out after physical death. All the secrets are out for one to see and you pray no one else will know. I think I already know some secrets already. It is not easy sitting on the limb of consciousness with the trunk of personal unknown secrets holding your very being by the roots of what you once were, human with a physical body. It is as a self-raping of one's very being. Terrifying, and one can do nothing about it except, ironically, hope to continue in an existence one way or another. I think if I were living during the process I would be vomiting my lungs out. (1959)

       You know better because an Angel will be aware -- no secrets held back. In the here and now I'll be that pretend Angel. Do you not find it strange, boy, that you don't know what all these unknown but not unknowable personal secrets are? - Amorella

       2005 hours. I think we cannot be fully spiritually knowable to ourselves until we are physically dead. 

       You are arrogant. Post. - Amorella

       2220 hours. Whom should I hear from first about my old former colleague and friend, Laney -- my heart or my soul?

       Your heart. - Amorella

       2224 hours. What does my heart have to say? 

       [My heart] says: "Joint friendship."

       [My soul] says: "Threaded friendship."

       2228 hours. These words seem without much description or emotion and therefore, to me, a letdown.

       This friendship is beyond drama. - Amorella

       2234 hours. I must have definitions. 

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joint -noun - 1 juncture, junction, join, intersection, confluence, nexus, link, linkage, con-nection; weld, seam

thread - noun-2 a theme or characteristic, typically forming one of several, running throughout a situation or piece of writing: a common thread 

verb[with object] • interweave or intersperse [interwoven or interspersed]

friendship- noun- the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends. • a relationship

Selected and edited from the Oxford/American software

** **

       2251 hours. The above definitions appear to show a broad outline of description.

       The above words from your heart and soul are solidified and complete. - Amorella

       2257 hours. Where are the secrets?

       There are none. Post. - Amorella