50. after thoughts

8 February 2019

       Friday morning. You are waiting in the car, facing east while Carol and Gayle are on the third floor of the red brick slightly rectangular office building behind you. The building is situated off County Line Road between Cleveland Avenue and Africa Road. Gayle is having her eyes checked after the eye operation yesterday. - Amorella

       0732 hours. Dawn. This is supposed to be a thirty-minute visit, anyway, the car seat is much more comfortable than those chairs found in most waiting rooms. I am at a loss as to where to go on digging into the human spirit (metaphorically speaking). 

       You are still spiritually exhausted from divulging the 'secret' from the 1980's, where you pretended being a prophet as in ancient times. - Amorella

       0740 hours. I pretended and wondered into the feeling of being a prophet in that your hand Amorella was that of another, but certainly not me, a born-again agnostic for goodness sake. I suppose today, that it was completely delusionary. I had my home and school lives which were lived normally until at an (almost daily)  automatically appointed time in my head I lifted my fingers to the keyboard and began. It turns out I sent the 'letters' to a rabbi who didn't exist. The address was real enough however. I sent them anonymously for several months. Finally, I signed one with a return address and was quickly sent a reply by a real rabbi who politely asked me to quit sending such 'outrageous' letters. I called Fritz, my friend and lawyer, and he suggested I send an apology and that I would refrain from sending further letters. (From then on I never sent any of my writings on to anyone without also sending a copy to Fritz.) I did not really share with anyone but Bob P. and Fritz M. both old and dear friends. They were my check on reality. I was terrified that my school would be notified but they were not. I did not lose my job or reputation. 

       It was as a miracle from my perspective. My so called 'prophecies' never came true though to be honest I never wrote any that I kept (except for two or three pages to remind me of what I had done). It was a relief really and quite surreal to think that I would have by my own free will and mind write and send such letters out to a stranger. I am in reality a very quiet and shy individual. I never fully believed G-D did the writing because I am an agnostic, as an agnostic I have doubts. A tiny spark within said that it would be arrogance to not do duty to the possible though highly improbable 'calling'. I am an honorable man and grew up as a Boy Scout and a spiritual person (Native American look towards Nature and Romantic), just not a very religious one. As an existentialist I had no choice be to answer as my own heartansoulanmind called the shots. That's really all there was to it. If I was wrong (which it turns out I was) then I would have made the right decision for me at the time (which was to write and send the letters and eventually add my name and address to own up to my doings). That was all long ago. 

       You apologized for the offending letters. You do not remember them but assume that your fiction books, as partly enriched by my hand, so to speak, voice some of what was written in the 'letters to the rabbi'. - Amorella

       0915 hours. I do, but with plenty of doubts, though fiction was much easier to write. Ironic though, when looking back. Even then though, before each letter was sent, I didn't fully believe it was the word of G-D. I'm an agnostic through and through, mostly. I have very few doubts though that G-D, as a Supreme-Being of the Universe(s) and Beyond exists. As Shakespeare wrote so beautifully, "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy," I certainly stand with those words, and even in physical death I would easily stand by them. (The added capitals in Shakespeare quote are my own.)

       Post. - Amorella