117. Note - a crux unknowable to self

117. 10 May 2019

       Evening. You are at Just Hoops off Rt. 23 across from Five Guys waiting for the boys who have an hour to play basketball. Earlier today, Carol bought her 2019 Toyota Avalon Hybrid Limited with all the safety features and at a considerable savings. The exterior is Parisian Night Blue with a beige leather interior. Carol is pleased as are you and "Deal Makers: Lori and Paul"; a win-win for everyone involved. The car will be delivered within ten days. Carol is presently reading page 31, Chapter Four, of Harlan Coben's Darkest Fear. - Amorella

       1947 hours. An eventful day. Carol and I arrived home after a celebratory lunch in Westerville and almost immediately took hour naps. The negotiating is very tiring even though we were mostly observers. Our sales lady, Lori was excellent and so was Paul. They both worked to get Carol the best car at the best deal with the best trade-in price on her 2013 Avalon Hybrid Limited which at the time also negotiated (via online) for by Paul and salesman Larry at Joseph Toyota). Paul and Lori spent about an hour and a half to two hours on the negotiating this morning. Both were very polite throughout; fascinating to watch them bargaining. 

       You are at Kim and Paul's, the boys are showering and readying for bed. A slight pinkish orange glow straggles between the low hanging clouds this quickly cooling night. - Amorella

       2045 hours. You are sounding a bit like Miss Havisham, Amorella. Intuition tells me you are she playing tricks. Is this possible? I am presently reminded of my youth at four to seven years when I made up dialogue between cartoon characters of my own making to while away the time. Sometimes the stick-like characters would tell each other simple jokes. I enjoyed listening in. I was a self-entertaining machine early on. Mostly I liked the peace and quiet to allow these events to happen pretty much on their own. This is the way I remember it presently. Besides, the poetic description of the sunset above appears more soul brought and Amorella brought. (2053)

       You wonder if this is an astute memory or an invention-in-the-moment. - mh

       2058 hours. The 'wonderment' as you call it, Miss H., is the crux of my very private inner life. I cannot always tell the difference (such as now). I wouldn't stake my life on it either way. This is where I favor Socrates best: "Know Thyself". The dark humor is that as a human being this is not fully possible to know one's self. And, with that thought uprooted, I find the context enlivens itself when then thinking about one's physical death -- and an Angel of G-D or G-D pops up from one's liberated spirit, one's heartansoulanmind, and says, "And now, who are you?" in a polite and well-informed Voice. (2110)

       And, boy, this question is the crux of your very existence, is it not? - Amorella

       2112 hours. You have just nailed me to the stake, Amorella. This is the very crux of my existence because, as it were, this is a very real remembered spiritual experience that changed my perception of what reality is. The experience still exists as I perceived it within my heartansoulanmind. Wow-to-a-humbled-inner-silence. - rho

       Post. - Amorella

       This Silence stretches from your living embodiment of earthanairanfireanwater to the AN-EL and back again in a Reality Beyond Reality. mh

       2123 hours. To deny this in the most intimate of self-privacy would be a blasphemy even though I can never show and do not wish to be shown this is a reality. This also would be a blasphemy. I, my innermost self, walks on a tightrope that does not exist. This is my most quiet inner tale. This is how I am who I am for who knows why. - rho (2132)