Saturday, May 25, 2019

131. Notes - finding it reverently funny


131. 25 May 2019

       Late afternoon with a thunderstorm brewing. You had an enjoyable and fun day, too late to finish mowing and trimming though Carol dropped another new plant in the ground on the west side of the front of the house a few minutes ago. - Amorella

       1806 hours. We had a late lunch at BiBiBop and earlier a late breakfast of Schneider's doughnuts of two each on West College Avenue below our first apartment (summer 1967) at ten and a half West College. Otherwise, we drove around running errands and getting acclimated to the new car. We are both tired. Maybe it isn't going to rain that much after all and we can finish the yard tonight instead of tomorrow. 

       You read a funny joke online, at one of your former student's Facebook page. It tickled you a lot and you showed it to Carol, who likewise laughed. So, you dropped it onto your own Facebook page and it has a few 'likes' from a few friends that you assume have cats or have had cats in their personal lives. Drop it in here. Good joke. - mh

       2209 hours. It is a good joke, especially on the cat. There was a time, decades ago, that I would have been terrified, afraid I would be blaspheming G-D with such a joke even though my human senses find it funny. I have more humor these days, but I am not lack in my respect for G-D be She/He real. I even respect the concept of a "Creator of All Things and Beyond".

** **
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepard said, "I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master."

"Good!" said God. "Sit at my right side."

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" asked God.

The Doberman answered, "I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master."

"Aha," said God. "You may sit on my left."

Then God looked at the cat and asked, "And what do you believe in?"

The cat replied, "I believe you are sitting in my seat."

Selected and edited from online: - "I Found It Funny" May 18 at 7:55 AM

** **

       I find it funny that you are expecting a comment from me, the Amorella.

       2237 hours. I was only expecting half a comment or none at all, Amorella. You would have to be human to see the fuller sense of humor in the joke. Then again, thinking on your comment, "I find it funny . . .," I see a deeper sense of humor within, the possible trace of irony in reference to my agnostic nature. Oddly, I still find it reverently funny. 

       Good. Post. - Amorella

Friday, May 24, 2019

130. Notes - not in a soul's place


130. 24 May 2019

       Late evening. Busy day concluding with a first ride at dusk in Carol's new Avalon Limited Hybrid. Earlier you had lunch with Cathy after she and Carol drove to the garden store and bought flowers for the front of the house. Carol planted them this afternoon, then after mowing and trimming most of the yard you took a McD break, splitting an Egg McMuffin with two diet drinks and two cookies each. Earlier you got into about 150 pages of The Mueller Report and read about a third of the larger Avalon manual. - Amorella

       2244 hours. I did do the trimming, at least most of it. Carol has a bit more of the back to mow and I have to trim most of the sides and back and around two more trees. We had a good day. We are both tired. -- I feel a bit awkward as nothing spiritual happened or was thought about today. At least not that I remember. I was too busy I guess. Everybody's busy on daily tasks at hand. 

       You are relaxing now, and you are not spiritually angry like you were two nights ago. mh

       2305 hours. Those are rare moments -- that sort of anger.

       You just misspelled 'anger' as 'angel' and quickly changed it. mh

       2307 hours. Slip of the fingers, so to speak. Though, there have been 'rare moments' with what I thought were angels once in a while. Never more than one at a time. I can't help but flash to one of my favorite pre-romantic English poets, William Blake and his lines: "Both read the Bible day and night, but thou read black where I read white."

       2315 hours. The lines (two of my favorites by Blake) originate in this poem of his: 

** **

“THE VISION OF CHRIST
that thou dost see
Is my vision’s greatest enemy.
Thine has a great hook nose like thine;
Mine has a snub nose like to mine.
Thine is the Friend of all Mankind;
“Mine speaks in parables to the blind.
Thine loves the same world that mine hates;
Thy heaven doors are my hell gates.
Socrates taught what Meletus
Loath’d as a nation’s bitterest curse,
“And Caiaphas was in his own mind
A benefactor to mankind.
Both read the Bible day and night,
But thou read’st black where I read white.”
** **

       Personally, I have always interpreted Blake's lines to mean that while many read the black text [words] on the page, Blake reads the white -- between the lines. That's not the way many would interpret the lines, particularly in context, but I go overboard and make the jump and assume my interpretation is as good as anyone else's at least from my perspective. Arrogance on my part. I don't like people telling me what I should think when I can think what I want for myself. (2325)

       Well, my young friend, I see your anger is returning. - Amorella

       2326 hours. I agree. Strange. I did not anticipate this to happen. I was feeling tired but rather chipper a few minutes ago. I don't know what lead up to this quick change of mood or thought. What do you think on this quick subject, Miss Havisham?

       I don't think you ever wanted to be born, I think that's where your anger originated. You almost died the first two weeks after your premature birth. It is almost like that wherever you were or thought you were you didn't want to leave and come here, to this universe, to this planet. mh

       2339 hours. I think you have more imagination than I do, Miss Havisham. It makes no difference anyway, even if it were anywhere near the truth. I'm here, and I've been here going on 77 years. This 'living' is an interesting place, an interesting reality. I enjoy living. I think reality is just not what I expected it to be, but I do not know what I expected. What foolish thinking. I don't really know where any of this comes from. 

       It comes from not who you might think you are, boy; it comes from who you are. - Amorella

       2346 hours. Maybe I'm really an insect, and thus I am really, really out of place as a human being? I'm being ridiculous, Amorella. That is my point. Time to go to bed. 

       Post. - Amorella

       It is not in a soul's place to be in such content. mh

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

129. Notes - the fingers talk too much / not yours


129. 22 May 2019
       
       Late morning. You had breakfast with Kim and Paul at Scrambler Marie's on Sancus Blvd. near Polaris Parkway. Friday, they leave for the Alabama shoreline via Montgomery to see the new Civil Rights Museum; a place Owen suggested visiting along the way. - Amorella

       1147 hours. I am so pleased with Owen for suggesting this museum side trip on his own. He saw it on an evening news program and became interested. 

       Mid-afternoon. You are sitting in the shade facing west while Carol is on her walk at Heritage Park. You stopped at Honda to have a master key replaced on the '05 Honda; found you needed an appointment and that it would be about one-hundred and fifty dollars to replace. The tile battery is gone, but Tile says the old key is in the house. What do you think? - Amorella

       1437 hours. I'm angry at myself for losing the key. I have lost two master keys already, one for each car and it seems a fortune to replace them. The tile battery died chirping away when we couldn't hear it chirping. In younger days I would have been really angry. Today, life is too short. If we don't find it this weekend we'll make an appointment Monday; here is no opening for a couple of weeks anyway. He could possibly do it tomorrow, but we need the Toyota to turn in. Such is life. -- The grass and leaves are green and there are lots of colorful wildflowers out. The day is humid but lightly clouded. Nice afternoon, and Carol just returned from her walk. Rules, Guidance and Ethics . . . two more categories to go. -- I sit here trying to conjure up at least one like category by inference. -- I tried Google and got nothing but a list on ethics. This was surely on the old Miller Analogy Test that I passed (saints be praised). 

       Which saints, orndorff? - Amorella

       1452 hours. I 'knew' better than to write down my first thoughts. Saint Peter is the only one that comes to mind at the moment. Then there is the golf saint. That's it. That test and Dr. John Coulter got me into graduate school on a 'conditional'. It was either Bowling Green State or Zavier in Cincinnati. I think I had a 2.3 average at Otterbein and it took me six plus years to earn the B. S. in Ed. Plus I earned a C in student teaching (English) at Olentangy High School in Delaware County, Ohio and was told by the master teacher that I should do something else with my life. I know I'm not the brightest match in the box. It was by Grace that I even got through high school. Mom and Dad talked up Trade School at Columbus Central the end of my sophomore year. I didn't want to leave my friends though. I liked electricity and radio electronics at the time. D's in Latin second year didn't help. I struggled to be an average student. I shake my head even today when I think about it. I taught two college prep levels, honors and/or AP British literature and/or World literature and Composition for at least 35 years. I was mostly considered successful by my peers over those years. I had a lot of fun classroom teaching. Who to better teach than young adults? No one in my book. 

       You have nothing left to say. mh

       Post. - Amorella

       1754 hours. All I did was talk about myself. Not a good sign. 

       At least you didn't apologize for it like you have been known to do.

       1756 hours. I talk mostly to myself anyway. No one has to read it but I am bound by Grace to share. I cannot remain honest to myself otherwise.

       Now post. - Amorella



       How can you be bound by Grace and be Orndorff the Agnostic? mh

       2241 hours. I can be both. I am both. I am a human being with a heartansoulanmind. My spirit defies this earthly reality I live in. This is not an excuse, this is as I am. 

       That was quick and to the point. mh

       2245 hours. I am surprised too. The several times earlier in my life when I 'felt' an Angel of G-D was unseen but sensed in the room to remain honest in the moment, in case it was real and not a hallucination I had to defy myself. I have no regrets for this very private action and nearly forgot event. By necessity I had no choice to defy myself because if the event were real (which it could have been because though I were /am an agnostic and statistically it would be nearly impossible to say to my deepest self it is impossible an Angel of G-D would be next to me for some unknown reason, I could not and would not deny G-D or an Angel of G-D could be. It would be blasphemy for me to say G-D was impossible. I would not and cannot to this day do or say G-D is impossible. I am an agnostic in the truest sense, I doubt still, but never an agnostic I be. I know nothing of what reality, spiritual otherwise really is. It appears it is not in our sphere to know. The reality I know to survive is not based on faith; it is based on knowledge of the world and science. I have faith for my fellow man and love for my friends and family. I do not need faith in G-D when I have seen and felt with my own eyes and mind that I may have witnessed an Angel. I know what I felt and I know what I may have imagined was more real than I was. I could have been in some sort of epileptic fit. I was not on alcohol or drugs. I sensed myself raw and naked spiritually, heart and soul and mind. I would not change a word if before G-D I stood/stand, defiant and fully human. I am who I am, an agnostic and honest and real even if I am only spirit alone. (2315) Wow, where did that twenty-nine minutes go? This took less than a minute to say. I am not even embarrassed by the moment. 

       Orndorff, you are an extremely arrogant man. - Amorella

       2319 hours. I am spiritually arrogant and defiant. I am also free to be arrogant and defiant. I have nothing else to say on the subject. 

       Post. - Amorella

       2322 hours. Here I am once again spending my time on myself. What I say here, tonight, it what I feel is true for every human being fully conscious and living. Standing before G-D or an Angel of G-D what would you say, what of your own honest heart and mind and soul? I think plenty of others spiritually naked would have no choice but to stand in defiance of what is and still say, "I am real enough. My human spirit is real enough, but next to an Angel of G-D or G-D I am as Nothing. I would deny myself first out of Respect for G-D and second out of respect for myself.  (2332) Will I never stop? You touched a nerve, Miss Havisham, a mighty deep nerve. 

       You spoke this with heartansoulanmind. mh

       The spiritual anger needs to flow, boy or it will never end. Get a good night's rest. Post. - Amorella

       2342 hours. I don't care if it is spiritual anger or not. I don't know if it needs to flow or not. I do not know if it will end or not. I don't care. I spoke the truth in the moment, my truth, not yours, Amorella.

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

128. Notes - out of self-respect


128. 21 May 2019

       Afternoon. You are waiting for Carol who is returning a book at Barnes and Noble at Polaris. 

       1324 hours. I didn't know souls had rights; yesterday you said, "Reminding you is my right."

       Some words don't translate well; 'obligation' probably reads better. Souls are a necessary spiritual protective service community. mh

       1500 hours. That's funny; sarcastic with satirical humor.

       We are not a fancy club nor are we a union. Also, we are not machinery or AI tech, nor are we organic. We are   not an alien species and we existed way before you did. mh
                                        
       1600 hours. I need some rules too, Miss Havisham. It is probably easier dealing with an alien species than it is with a spiritual 'sense being'. I am empathetic in my nature, but am I a body and you are not. 

       Your spirit is not a body. Any human being can talk to herorhis spiritual soul. We are quite adaptable; transgenderness is an example of this. If one is comfortable with her or himself, one can be comfortable with her or his soul. Sense-Being is a good synonym for soul. Capitalize out of self-respect. You noticed I dropped a dash in AN-EL, again out of respect. mh

       2146 hours. I got waylaid quick reading sections of two of the new car manuals I picked up at Toyota Direct early this afternoon. We pick up the car Thursday at one o'clock. 

       Really, orndorff? Let's call it a night. - Amorella

       It's fun and exciting to buy a new car, particularly one you basically hand-picked; the only other was the 1985 red Volkswagen GTI with the black interior. Your first favorite was the first new car you bought, a 1965 green Volkswagen also with all the bells and whistles. Popo Orndorff wrote the check and you repaid him for the interest free loan in three years. That's how it was. mh

       Post. - Amorella

       

Monday, May 20, 2019

127. Notes - kindness / Rules, Guidance and Ethics


                                 127. 20 May 2019             

       Mid-afternoon. Running errands today, take out BiBiBop lunch, errand and to Heritage Park, facing the west woods with Alum Creek beyond and the picnic shelter behind. Carol is walking. - Amorella

       1503 hours. Adding to Miss Havisham's comment yesterday, if and when you find this spiritual struggle were not honest or true I would be honored if this were cancelled. Also, Amorella has a long-lasting similar rule concerning my honest and true clarity behavior within these blogs. Though I am in doubt about the spiritual reality of Angels I write the words in this and other blog though one were looking over my shoulder. Even with full doubts I have the deepest respect for the concept of Angels and G-D whether they exist or not. For the record though, I have no doubt on the existence of the human spirit; it exists through our necessity of more fully being the species we are.

       You wonder from where the words above come from within yourself because to you they flow from your fingertips as water flows from a spigot. - mh

       1519 hours. Intuitively, the words seemed to flow from Nothing with a capital; a well of Nothing else within.

       A spigot is more apt. -mh

       Orndorff, you have a loss of words presently. You feel as though you are here and not here at the same time. - Amorella

       1544 hours. Whoa. This happens periodically, but it has been a few years. I used to ask myself where I am when I am not here. I don't ever remember coming up with a satisfactory response even from you Amorella. 

       You never leave your soul, my friend, so wherever you think you go it is not far. mh

       1548 hours. I either drifted into momentarily unconsciousness or it was a pure lapse of short-term memory. By the way, between 159 hours and 1542 hours we left to buy a diet Coke from McD's and returned. The consciousness lapse was only momentary. 

       Sometimes, orndorff, you appear to me to momentarily disappear, a flickering light from an old fashion light bulb not screwed in properly or a flickering light with loose wiring. These are rare instances but do happen, sometimes without you consciously realizing it. Carol is drifting off to sleep. Time to go. - Amorella


       You took a needed nap, watched the evening news with Carol and ate half a leftover Reuben sans rye while Carol sipped leftover (Alta's Arizona) turkey soup for supper. - Amorella

       2009 hours. We are having a quiet relaxing evening before the political storm brewing tomorrow. Such a world we live in. Nothing new. Fights over injustice, fights over political power, fights over abortion ethics, health scares, Spring weather -- one Class of 2019 had their college debts paid by a very wealthy and generous man, the speaker at graduation who told the college class to pay it forward later, when they could. It was a wonderful sight to see all those students dumbfounded and joyously celebratory once realizing what had been said. "Pay it forward" was his instruction. What a simple generous gesture. What kindness. Such kindness appears new on the evening news, but not to our species; kindness is not forgotten by our species. 

       Post. - Amorella


       Pay it forward is what you do, Mr. Orndorff. mh

       2047 hours. Don't embarrass me, Miss Havisham. I know to what you are referring and you are reminding me of my personal conflict. 

       Reminding you is my right. Simple ethics. Ethics, by the way, is the third division of five. Rules, Guidance and now Ethics. mh

       2052 hours. Reminding me is a rule. 

       Yes, it is. mh

       Post. - Amorella
       

Sunday, May 19, 2019

126. Notes - thesis of this spiritual struggle


126. 19 May 2019

       Afternoon. You and Carol worked in the yard earlier today and you both are still tired; you from the heat and Carol from the actual work. - Amorella

       1412 hours. You are always to the point, Amorella. Yep, that's the way the late morning was. I am interested in the definition of metaphysics above because, to me, this project hits on three: 1, unchanging things (the soul); 2. the mind/body problem (heart and mind as a spiritual combination). These examples are treated as metaphysics  via Kant's Critique of Pure Reason.

** **

Rejections of metaphysics


. . . David Hume took a strong position, arguing that all genuine knowledge involves either mathematics or matters of fact and that metaphysics, which goes beyond these, is worthless. He concludes his Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding with the statement:
If we take in our hand any volume; of divinity or school metaphysics, for instance; let us ask, Does it contain any abstract reasoning concerning quantity or number? No. Does it contain any experimental reasoning concerning matter of fact and existence? No. Commit it then to the flames: for it can contain nothing but sophistry and illusion.
Thirty-three years after Hume's Enquiry appeared,Immanuel Kant published his Critique of Pure Reason. Although he followed Hume in rejecting much of previous metaphysics, he [Kant] argued that there was still room for some synthetic a prioriknowledge, concerned with matters of fact yet obtainable independent of experience. These included fundamental structures of space, time, and causality. He also argued for the freedom of the will and the existence of "things in themselves", the ultimate (but unknowable) objects of experience.

Selected and edited from Wikipedia - metaphysics

** **

       1456 hours. To me the soul is an example of Kant's "the existence of things in themselves". The heart and mind (both used spiritually here) also fit -- they are more than implied fundamental spiritual-like elements of being human and the heart and mind and soul are fundamental elements in our way of life.

       I, the Amorella, find this an acceptable reference to metaphysical in terms of use of this blog which at most is an argument bordering on philosophical thought.

       From my perspective the words are irrelevant. mh

       Carol is on her walk at Heritage Park, you stopped to buy a McD diet Coke and cookies after dropping her off, and for a change, you are facing south-east with the picnic shelter to your right and the swings on the playground straight ahead. - Amorella

       1604 hours. It is supposed to downpour in about an hour, but it is really comfortable with the cloudy skies. Why are words irrelevant Miss Havisham?

       I normally do not deal with matters of the heartanmind unless or until they make an agreement first. I am not for bickering. I am not judge or jury. I will intervene when appropriate, arbitrator-like, much as the part Amorella is playing between us as you have noticed. One division is "Rules", a second division is "Guidance". - mh

       1613 hours. I would have never come up with "Guidance". The division sounds didactic in nature. (I have to look this up to make sure of the specifics.)

** **
didactic - adjective - intended to teach, particularly in having moral instruction as an ulterior motive: a didactic novel that set out to expose social injustice• in the manner of a teacher, particularly so as to treat someone in a patronizing way: slow-paced, didactic lecturing.

Selected and edited from the Oxford/American software

** **

       Carol arrived and is now on page 122, Chapter 15 of Coben's Darkest Fear. The sprinkles have begun. You are somewhat embarrassed to admit you have to look up words that many people know and use. - Amorella

       1637 hours. I know 'didactic' such as moral instruction, i.e. a lecture in the worst sense of the word lecture. I gave a lecture at least once a week for most of my career. I considered them imparting knowledge partly of the social dynamics of history/literature/grammar not moral instruction. It was (until recently) my assumption that is the kind of lecture I would expect from a soul -- a rather stern, berating one with several 'do nots' in it. (1646)

       You considered the soul to be a force of moral instruction, such as a wise, old soul giving you private advice on how to avoid furthering a private dilemma in the still physically living heartanmind. mh

       1652 hours. I don't know how we got in this topic but yes, I suppose. Although, when I think about it, that is probably what many people would expect a guardian angel to do. There are a lot of cultural sayings about souls. 

       Let's look at a list from online. mh

       1707 hours. I'll check but I don't remember ever seeing such a list. I imagine there are a few like 'wise old soul'.  ---- Here's what I have found initially. Old souls are generally considered wise people who supposedly have old souls in them. \This is an example of what I am not looking for.

** **

What Is An ‘Old Soul’?

On the simplest definition, old souls are people who have had many different lives. This is often regardless of if they can actively recall those previous incarnations of themselves or not.
If this applies to you, you’ve probably always felt like it was difficult to find people who really understood you. In the worst cases, you may have felt isolated or deeply lonely, while in more moderate cases you may remember just feeling somehow out of step with most of your friends, family or colleagues. This tends to happen because old souls feel a kind of disconnect from the material plane. Similarly, they have an innate level of understanding that is simply beyond most people.
You may sometimes meet a child who strikes you as an old soul. In this way, these children are typically quieter than average, more thoughtful and may come across as daydreamers. They need careful, attentive nurturing in order to adjust to the differences between themselves and their peers.
Whether you suspect that you or someone you love might be an old soul, it’s important to be aware that this offers many benefits. In addition, as we’ll discuss below, old souls can have incredibly fulfilling lives; it can just take a while to figure out what their purpose should be.
Selected and edited from - 

** **

       1810 hours. I cannot find anything online that fits the context of the question, 'What are the characteristics of the soul?' Anyone can look them up. Therefore, I am returning to Wikipedia for my response.

** **

Soul

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The soul, in many religious, philosophical, and mythological traditions, is the incorporeal essence of a living being. Soul or psyche (Ancient Greek: ψυχή psūkhḗ, of ψύχειν psū́khein, "to breathe") comprises the mental abilities of a living being: reason, character, feeling, consciousness, memory, perception, thinking, etc. Depending on the philosophical system, a soul can either be mortal or immortal. In Judeo-Christianity, only human beings have immortal souls (although immortality is disputed within Judaism and the concept of immortality may have been influenced by Plato). For example, the Catholic theologian Thomas Aquinas attributed "soul" (anima) to all organisms but argued that only human souls are immortal. 
Other religions (most notably Hinduism and Jainism) hold that all living things from the smallest bacterium to the largest of mammals are the souls themselves (Atman, jiva) and have their physical representative (the body) in the world. The actual self is the soul, while the body is only a mechanism to experience the karma of that life. Thus if we see a tiger then there is a self-conscious identity residing in it (the soul), and a physical representative (the whole body of the tiger, which is observable) in the world. Some teach that even non-biological entities (such as rivers and mountains) possess souls. This belief is called animism. Greek philosophers, such as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, understood that the soul (ψυχή psūchê) must have a logical faculty, the exercise of which was the most divine of human actions. At his defense trial, Socrates even summarized his teaching as nothing other than an exhortation for his fellow Athenians to excel in matters of the psyche since all bodily goods are dependent on such excellence (Apology 30a–b).
The current consensus of modern science is that there is no evidence to support the existence of the soul when traditionally defined as the spiritual breath of the body. In metaphysics, the concept of "Soul" may be equated with that of "Mind" in order to refer to the consciousness and intellect of the individual.

Selected and edited from Wikipedia

** **

       1817 hours. From the Wikipedia definition above what would you, Miss Havisham, agree with relative to the context of this project? 

       Drop the material below and I will edit it in the context of this project. - mh

** **

* Soul

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[The] Soul comprises [selected] mental abilities of a living being: reason, character, feeling, consciousness, memory, perception, thinking, etc. 

The actual self is [within] the soul, while the body is a mechanism to experience the karma of that life.

Greek philosophers, such as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, understood that the soul (ψυχή psūchê) must have a logical faculty, the exercise of which was the most divine of human actions. 

In metaphysics, the concept of "Soul" may be equated with that of "Mind" in order to refer to the consciousness and intellect of the individual.

Selected and edited from Wikipedia by Miss Havisham

** **

       1834 hours. Interesting and unexpected. 

       Post. - Amorella

The Thesis:

2227 hours. Miss Havisham, "why do you say 'selected' mental abilities" above?

       I added 'selected' because the heartanmind have selected (unconsciously) what they find necessary to take with them. The key word is necessary because the spiritual heart and mind take what they 'honest are' and 'not a penny more or less' (figuratively of course). 

       2237 hours. By the same token, "Why do you keep 'the soul (ψυχή psūchê) must have a logical faculty, the exercise of which was the most divine of human actions.'"?

       I keep the logical faculty because otherwise how could I be translated (in context) by Amorella. Your basic question has to do with using the words "most divine" of human actions. You are concerned that I am stepping beyond the bounds of this project and referencing G-D, but I am agreeing that one of the best elements of being human is having both a heart and a mind (reasonableness). Again, otherwise this project could not exist within our own context. mh

       2249 hours. Thank you for the clarity in your response, Miss Havisham. I cannot, at this time, find argument against it. 

       This is a reminder, orndorff, that you, by necessity of your humanitycannot ever come to an honest conclusion that your heartanmind actually witnessed an authentic spiritual Angel whereas your soul, Miss Havisham, is convinced the AN-EL is indeed an authentic 'Spiritual Sign Post', as it were, because she visited the Site of the AN-EL with your heartanmind intact. - Amorella 

       2303 hours. Without full reasoning I cannot accept that what I thought I felt was a spiritual reality because I am a spiritual and a physical being. This is not a matter of 'having faith' for me. It is not in my nature to accept something such as this without question. I am an agnostic. I cannot deny and will not deny what I am. It is not morally right for G-D, if G-D exists, to deny me my own truth-of-being-what-I-am. Even my soul understands my position at least while consciously being alive.

        I would not accept this project if this spiritual struggle were not honest and true. - mh

       Post. - Amorella